You are what you eat. Avoid nuts.
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. – Aesop
If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk.
Girls never tell you anything straight out anyway. You have to interpolate and extrapolate their responses to figure out what’s on their mind. – Chetan Bhagat
When life gives you apples… Say, what the hell are you thinkin’? You got the wrong fruit!
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. – Groucho Marx
Got back from grocery store. Reading the ingredients I noticed: The lemonade was made with artificial flavoring. But the dish soap was made with real lemons.
As an explosive tester I love my job. One day while starting to defuse the bomb my best friend and I started to laugh. He laughed because he thought it was fun, I laughed because I had no idea what I was doing.
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ’em not to f*** with you.
Toilet paper: highly useful, yet inappropriate as a gift.
I’m the type of girl to walk into a chair and apologize.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone. – Oscar Wilde
I get bored in church. Why would I want to go to heaven?
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. – Bill Gates
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Apple wanted to make a iPod for kids. Apparently the name “iTouch kids” didn’t sit very well.
What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone.
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