Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

I’m going to sell my vacuum cleaner. It’s just sitting around collecting dust.

If you can keep your head while all around you lose theirs. Then you really don’t appreciate the seriousness of the problem.

Submitted by: phillip on December 8, 2018

Water and oil creates a heterogeneous mixture, oil always rises to the top. An argument with me is equivalent to this phenomenon.

Submitted by: Joshua on July 21, 2018

It is so easy I can sleep with my eyes closed.

Submitted by: Khrietho sale on February 6, 2018

When life gives you lemons make lemonade, that throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons, until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
– Cassandra Claire.

Submitted by: Aly on June 4, 2017

Where there is a will, there is a quarrel.

Submitted by: Moiz on May 27, 2017

If actions speak louder than words, then why did I learn English instead of martial arts?

Submitted by: Arun Joseph on April 30, 2017

If someone tells you to never take advice from anyone should you take his?

Submitted by: anonymous on April 16, 2017

Teacher: What do you wish to do with your future?
Me: Stay alive until the day I die.

Submitted by: elizzabeth hamilton on March 30, 2017

The first sign of madness is: hairs on the palms of your hands.
The second sign is: looking for them.

Submitted by: Dom on October 6, 2016

To the guy who texted me the last day
“I love you. So what do you think?”

A reply to him.
“Yes. Of course even I love myself”.

Submitted by: Dew Dey on October 6, 2016

Asked the cause of my injury, I explained: “My back couldn’t bear the weight of my stupidity.”
Alan Robert Neal

Whoever put the word fun in funeral?
Anthony Liccione

Submitted by: Michael P. on June 28, 2016

I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!
Sam Levenson

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson


It’s an easy thing to commit a sin, I wonder how God expects people to fail doing an easy task.

Submitted by: Khaya on February 3, 2016

Brevity is the soul of wit.

Submitted by: Playjareyes on November 27, 2015

If you pull enough strings, you’ll end up pulling ropes.

Submitted by: John Bennett Hartnett on September 17, 2015

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

When you have wit of your own, it’s a pleasure to credit other people for theirs.
Criss Jami

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams

It was raining cats and dogs and there were poodles in the street.

Submitted by: James Hepple on February 22, 2015

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

My mom has the most awesome daughter in the world!


Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Winston Churchill

There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Benjamin Franklin

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

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