Funny Men Quotes and Sayings

Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.

Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A succesful woman is one who can find such a man.

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles

If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children…’ – they leave skid marks.

There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths.

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.

Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and foreign.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.

Men are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.

Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he’s in love with her.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire – they’re exactly alike.

All modern men are descended from a worm-like creature, but it shows more on some people.

There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. “Women marry men with the hope they will change. “And they are both disappointed.”

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.