Short Funny Quotes - Page 20
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”.
She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx
When in doubt make something up so you don’t look like a fool.
Vegetarian don’t kill the animals for eating; they eat the animals’ food.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I’m not laughing because you’re my brother, I’m laughing because there’s nothing you can do about it.
Don’t give the man a fish ….you eat it.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
If someone says that you drawing looks ugly, say I didn’t mean to draw you.
Life is too short to remove the USB device safely.
I’m not crazy. Just imaginative.
Don’t try to make a pig sing, It only frustrates you and annoys the pig!
Boy: I like someone..
Boy: She looks just like you…
Girl: OMG! You like me? I like you too…
Boy: Oh no. I like your..sister
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Whatever it is – I didn’t do it!
Chocolate is the answer, who cares what the question is.
If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk.
The more I think, the more I get confused.
You say ear wax, I say melting brain.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
A big head with an empty brain is like a heavy load on the foolish neck.
Curiosity killed the cat, and saved the rat.
Our parents blame it on the generation but do they think about who raised us.
Amateurs build planes professionals built the titanic, how do you feel now?
When life gives you lemons, throw them back because I mean really? Who likes lemons?
Last time I checked heaven wasn’t a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it’s in the Bible for God’s sake!
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s he going to do, kill me?
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can’t fix it, you have a serious problem.
With great power… Comes great need to take a nap.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how come actions speak louder than words.
What are your names? He asked “Why? Do you not like yours?”
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh”.
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do something childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why when people ask you “What three things would you bring with you on a desert island?” no one ever replies, “A Boat”.
Boy:Hi can we be friends?
Boy: Come on I’m rich.
Girl: Hi I’m Claire, 22 yrs old,single.
Boy: My name is rich…26 yrs old…can we meet for dinner?
Girl: Sorry I don’t talk to strangers.