Short Funny Quotes - Page 20

7

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”.

Submitted by: Pseudonym
11

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx

Submitted by: Cheynaa.
10

When in doubt make something up so you don’t look like a fool.

Submitted by: lele
27

Vegetarian don’t kill the animals for eating; they eat the animals’ food.

Submitted by: toba
13

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Submitted by: David lynch
13

I’m not laughing because you’re my brother, I’m laughing because there’s nothing you can do about it.

Submitted by: sam
24

Don’t give the man a fish ….you eat it.

Submitted by: sam
6

I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Forgiveness-(4)

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Submitted by: Kuzai
29

If someone says that you drawing looks ugly, say I didn’t mean to draw you.

Submitted by: Andeo
18

Life is too short to remove the USB device safely.

Submitted by: joanne
11

I’m not crazy. Just imaginative.

Submitted by: Justme
19

Don’t try to make a pig sing, It only frustrates you and annoys the pig!

Submitted by: mimi w.
37

Boy: Hi
Girl: Hi
Boy: I like someone..
Girl: Who?!!
Boy: She looks just like you…
Girl: OMG! You like me? I like you too…
Boy: Oh no. I like your..sister

Submitted by: Tikitiki
12

If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?

Submitted by: Kenny
13

Whatever it is – I didn’t do it!

Submitted by: liz
15

Chocolate is the answer, who cares what the question is.

Submitted by: vincent king
9

If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk.
The more I think, the more I get confused.

Submitted by: Corny
14

You say ear wax, I say melting brain.

Submitted by: Sneaky
10

Weather forecast for tonight: dark

Submitted by: mackeeenzzie!
32

Guess what?!:O
.
.
.
Nothing:D

Submitted by: RawnaQ ;]
8

Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Submitted by: Wigi
20

A big head with an empty brain is like a heavy load on the foolish neck.

Submitted by: Darkwah Prince Peezee
24

Curiosity killed the cat, and saved the rat.

Submitted by: vishnu
18

Our parents blame it on the generation but do they think about who raised us.
Amateurs build planes professionals built the titanic, how do you feel now?
When life gives you lemons, throw them back because I mean really? Who likes lemons?
Last time I checked heaven wasn’t a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it’s in the Bible for God’s sake!
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s he going to do, kill me?
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can’t fix it, you have a serious problem.
With great power… Comes great need to take a nap.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how come actions speak louder than words.
What are your names? He asked “Why? Do you not like yours?”
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh”.
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do something childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why when people ask you “What three things would you bring with you on a desert island?” no one ever replies, “A Boat”.

Submitted by: MYA MOORE
20

Boy:Hi can we be friends?
Girl: No!
Boy: Come on I’m rich.
Girl: Hi I’m Claire, 22 yrs old,single.
Boy: My name is rich…26 yrs old…can we meet for dinner?
Girl: Sorry I don’t talk to strangers.

Submitted by: just someone

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