Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

1

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

Witty Quote: A compromise is an agreement whereby both...

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If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

Witty Quote: If you have nothing to be grateful...

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5

My mom has the most awesome daughter in the world!

Witty Quote: My mom has the most awesome daughter...

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1

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Winston Churchill

Witty Quote: Tact is the ability to tell someone...

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3

There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.

Witty Quote: There are two rules in life. 1....

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1

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Benjamin Franklin

Witty Quote: Three may keep a secret, if two...

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1

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Witty Quote: Everywhere is within walking distance if you...

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15

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

Witty Quote: Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does...

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10

The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.

Submitted by: Anika
26

If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.

Submitted by: Thomas
24

There’s nothing to fear. Except maybe that weird guy over there.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson
11

If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?

Submitted by: Jamyang Tenzin
23

If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.

Submitted by: Inspired
20

Come to think of it, when *isn’t* it a good idea to go limp and play dead???

Submitted by: John Alejandro King
11

If dreams really come true, what about nightmares.

Submitted by: Dyoung shall grow
29

Person 1: That lady looks really interesting.
Person 2: She looks like her daddy.

Submitted by: IAmunknown
18

I’m sorry, did that hurt? I thought that there was a gnat on your cheek.

Submitted by: IAmunknown
10

Understanding the single-line quote is like comprehending the bulky book with its title only and correctly.
– Anuj Somany

Submitted by: Anuj Somany
10

My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.

Submitted by: caesar
13

The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it just gets replaced.

Submitted by: Patrick
12

Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely, the opportunist.

Submitted by: Mark Cromo
7

That seems more of a your problem, than my problem!

Submitted by: AJ Johnson
28

Canada gave America Justin Bieber. America gave Canada the first nuclear wasteland.

Submitted by: Ali D.
14

Let’s agree that some days we are the pain and some days the a**!

Submitted by: succor146
12

I don’t judge God does. I’m the one who makes your appointment.

Submitted by: Cody

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