Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Submitted by: Dylan on January 29, 2008

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Submitted by: Sneaky on February 7, 2008

Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

Submitted by: Sujit on January 6, 2011

Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely, the opportunist.

Submitted by: Mark Cromo on March 27, 2013

There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

Submitted by: smiley35 on August 23, 2009

Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

Submitted by: jenny: on January 28, 2008

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Submitted by: Doreen Deramo on August 4, 2009

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Submitted by: Shorty on September 27, 2009

I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.

Submitted by: Susanne on August 6, 2009

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Submitted by: Doreen Deramo on August 4, 2009

129% of people exaggerate.

Submitted by: Jenny A. on May 5, 2010

“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.”

Submitted by: Bertha on July 31, 2008

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
– Albert Einstein

Submitted by: Jake on June 21, 2010

A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.

Submitted by: Debra Ramey on April 12, 2010

Whoever uses the phrase “Easy as taking candy from a baby,” has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby.

Submitted by: Nicole on December 30, 2009

Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Submitted by: sofie on January 18, 2011

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Submitted by: Shorty on September 27, 2009

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!

Submitted by: Torie on January 30, 2010

I used to have superpowers… But a therapist took them away.

Submitted by: Bunni on October 10, 2010

If at first you don’t succeed, …then skydiving is probably NOT for you.

Submitted by: tex on September 15, 2009

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Submitted by: crazygenius on August 18, 2008

There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

Submitted by: Rebecca on April 1, 2011

If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.

Submitted by: Thomas on August 14, 2013

The problem with stealing quotes off the internet is you never know if they are genuine.
– Abraham Lincoln

Submitted by: Tool.Tech on July 13, 2012

Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.

Submitted by: Doreen Deramo on August 4, 2009

3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!

Submitted by: angiela on April 11, 2011

Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.

Submitted by: Adellaide on January 15, 2011

There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who can count… And those who can’t.

Submitted by: Willis Wilson on July 6, 2010

Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you…a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.

Submitted by: JPoet on September 22, 2009

You can’t spell families, without “lies”.

Submitted by: Dawn U loverly on November 30, 2010

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