Witty Quotes and Sayings
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
You can’t be late until you show up.
The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
We can forgive those who bore us. We cannot forgive those whom we bore.
Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
I once prayed to god for a car, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
Save a tree, eat a beaver…
Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the heck is my ceiling?!
who ever said that nothing was impossiable obviously never tried slaming a revolving door
Save the world…
Kill yourself
A man mixed with a cat will improve the man, but deteriorate the cat.
In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
- cory taylor
when i get home at night i look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. it acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything i say.
A good man is hard to find, but a hard man is better!
Dont love the one you love cause they may not love you in return , but love the one who loves you cause her heart is in your hands
Wisdom rules untill force goes crazy.
“saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong”
“As i grow older, i pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.”
for every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
a guy wants to get his girlfriend something nice for her birthday. she says, “oh, just take me somewhere expensive.”
so he drops her off at a gas station.
‘In the begining, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very unhappy and was widely considered as a bad move…”
Douglas Adams
When people ask me with a judging undertone just why it is i’m talking to myself, I answer them: “At least, this way, i’m sure that i’m talking to someone as intelligent as myself, which is as hard to find as a decent answer to that ridiculous question.”
Did you ever notice that when you don’t drink water, you are thirsty?
If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.