Dave Barry Quotes

American author and humor columnist.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
– Dave Barry

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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
– Dave Barry

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Hard Drive: The part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.
– Dave Barry

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It is inhumane in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
– Dave Barry

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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
– Dave Barry

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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
– Dave Barry

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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
– Dave Barry

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For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
– Dave Barry

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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
– Dave Barry

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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
– Dave Barry

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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
– Dave Barry

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User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
– Dave Barry

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
– Dave Barry

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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
– Dave Barry

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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
– Dave Barry

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The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment
– Dave Barry

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You should not confuse your career with your life.
– Dave Barry

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Reading… a vacation for the mind….
– Dave Barry

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Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
– Dave Barry

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It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.
– Dave Barry

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