Phyllis Diller Quotes

American actress and a comedian.

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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
– Phyllis Diller

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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
– Phyllis Diller

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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
– Phyllis Diller

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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
– Phyllis Diller

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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
– Phyllis Diller

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I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”
– Phyllis Diller

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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
– Phyllis Diller

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller

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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
– Phyllis Diller

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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
– Phyllis Diller

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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
– Phyllis Diller

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If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
– Phyllis Diller

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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
– Phyllis Diller

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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
– Phyllis Diller

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller

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The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
– Phyllis Diller

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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
– Phyllis Diller

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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.
– Phyllis Diller

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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
– Phyllis Diller

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Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
– Phyllis Diller

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