American stand-up comedian
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two. – Rodney Dangerfield
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. – Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. – Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no’. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. – Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me. – Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. – Rodney Dangerfield
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie. – Rodney Dangerfield
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