American stand-up comedian
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. – Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. – Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. – Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control. – Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. – Rodney Dangerfield
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. – Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. – Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. – Rodney Dangerfield
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. – Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me. – Rodney Dangerfield
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. – Rodney Dangerfield
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. – Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. – Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. – Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. – Rodney Dangerfield
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
– Rodney Dangerfield
What a doctor I’ve got-he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer. – Rodney Dangerfield
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out. – Rodney Dangerfield
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