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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

American stand-up comedian

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, ‘no’.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
– Rodney Dangerfield

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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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What a doctor I’ve got-he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

– Rodney Dangerfield

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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