Short Funny Quotes

When life gives you lemons say “Screw you” And go find an orange.
Everything comes out right in the end, and if it isnt right, it isnt the end.

Submitted by: Samantha LeFavi on December 9, 2007

Girl: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.
Boy: If you were my wife I’d drink it.

Submitted by: Carlos on October 5, 2010

When God made me, he was showing off!!

Submitted by: Nandish on November 28, 2008

The hardest part about business is minding your own.

Submitted by: jay on March 30, 2009

Vegetarians are killing the rainforest.

Submitted by: captain crunch on December 1, 2008
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright

Submitted by: Kacey on April 3, 2008

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh, and they’ll think you’re on drugs!

Submitted by: _FiLa96_ on June 9, 2009

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx

Submitted by: Wes on April 5, 2010

I stepped on a cheerio this morning… Does that make me a cereal killer?

Submitted by: Kristine on April 27, 2010

Anti-Pick Up Lines:

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.

He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.

He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.

He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?

He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.

He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.

He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.

Submitted by: Ronak Mota on June 25, 2013
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Video games ruined my life. At least I have 2 left.

Submitted by: itadakimasu on November 22, 2008

When I see someone that is beautiful, I stare for awhile, and when I get tired, I put down the mirror. 8)

Submitted by: Hallie (11 yers old) on July 7, 2011

Life is a game with a small fault…there is no “restart button” in it.

Submitted by: danz on February 4, 2009

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

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