If my room is clean, it means that my internet is not working.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.
Why don’t you ever see Cupid with a girlfriend?
I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it. A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. A mother’s menu consists of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Chocolate is the answer, who cares what the question is.
Strength can only give you power, but hope can give you success.
I don’t believe in superstition because it brings bad luck!
I love it when I buy a bag of air & the company is nice enough to put some chips in.
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
What the heck does the “Z” in “LOLZ” mean…”Laugh Out Loud…Zebras?”
Diplomacy is telling someone to “Go to Hell” in such a way, that they look forward to taking the trip.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. – George Carlin
My favorite text message “I will be there in 5 minutes, if not read again”.
I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys!!!
Let husband and wife never speak to one another in loud tones,unless the house is on fire. – David O. McKay
All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.
You know how they say, “Don’t try this at home”? I just go to my friend’s house and try it.
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